A Practitioner’s Perspective
Heather Epps, RScP
The saying “good fences make good neighbors” speaks to the truth that boundaries can be very beneficial. A boundary is a line in the sand; a fence you place delineating what you will and won’t do or accept. Just as you can choose what kind of and where to put your fence, you also get to choose your type and placement of your personal boundaries. Setting and honoring your boundaries is so beneficial. Boundaries help you maintain healthy relationships, protect your emotional well-being, and increase your self-esteem and happiness. Attending to your boundaries, increases your self-awareness and improves your self-care.
Rev. Laine often speaks about staying inside your own hula hoop – your personal realm of influence. She uses this analogy to teach us about setting a boundary. If I imagine a hula hoop on the floor at my feet, I can easily divide up my world into two parts. Everything inside the hula hoop is my domain and I can influence that part. But I can see that outside of my hula hoop, I have zero control.
The Serenity Prayer is another example of defining hula hoops and setting boundaries. Outside of my hula hoop lies the people, things and situations that I can only witness and maybe influence by being an example, but I certainly can’t control. The prayer is to gain wisdom to know which side of the hula hoop everything lives.
Man is this helpful! When I stay within my boundary, I automatically focus on myself and the things I can influence, and I can maintain my personal power. Instead of spending my personal energy on that over which I have no control, I can focus on where I can make change.
Individually we get to choose what goes within that boundary. If there is something you don’t like about the world, instead of complaining and worrying, ask yourself what can you do to improve the situation, make a plan of action, and implement your plan. This requires you to ask yourself the big question - “What is mine to do?” Only you know your most empowering answer.
We each are on our own unique path in life. Our desire to help others is laudable and key to making the world a better place, but what is truly helpful? Is giving a gambler money to pay their rent because they lost their rent on a bet helpful in the long run? Is rescuing someone who doesn’t plan ahead the right choice, or is letting them learn from their mistakes? These are not easy questions and answers but, by mindfully considering them, you strengthen your boundaries and improve your life.
It is also important to honor the boundaries others have set. In my marriage we have a rule that we each need to share our needs but we don’t have the right to require the other to meet all of our needs. Having this rule in place creates a healthy boundary. We enjoy open communication, expressing love and support, without negatively impacting each other.
When I taught boundaries to my daughter, it sometimes broke my heart when she set her own boundaries with me. For several years she didn’t want to be hugged because touch made her uncomfortable. By honoring her request not to be hugged I gave her the space to grow into requesting and enjoying hugs on her own terms. I’m grateful that today she welcomes my hugs.
Boundaries call us into a balancing act. On the one hand, we want to trust, help and be generous. On the other hand, we have limited time and resources, and have the dignity to protect ourselves. It is not always easy to find the balance, but I believe that is part of our soul’s journey in life. May your hula hoop serve you well in life and make it more enjoyable!