On the Minister's Mind
by Rev. Laine Morgan
Over the years I have frequently found myself in coaching conversations regarding boundaries. Whether the person is complaining about how a family member is treating them, or a co-worker is upsettingly negative, or how their partner is unhappy with their chosen spiritual path, pretty soon we are talking about the need to set or renegotiate a boundary.
Author Prentis Hemphill’s definition of boundaries has stuck with me ever since I read it – “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
It is impossible to feel loving, positive feelings about someone who is disregarding the boundary you have set in your relationship. But, the question quickly becomes, how clearly have you communicated your boundary - what you will and will not tolerate? So often, when upset is happening we realize that there has been no direct conversation about how one wishes to be treated.
It is common for us to expect the other person to instinctively know what is appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship and that leads to passive-aggressive reactions that further confuse the point. When we expect people to read our minds or somehow know what is good for us, we set ourselves and them up to fail.
Example - No, your uncle can’t know that you don’t wish to discuss the events of the day every time you see him unless you verbally tell him that those topics are not interesting to you! Brushing past him or refusing to visit him are indirect ways to communicate your desires, but a more effective approach would be to ask for the conversations to be different.
Once a boundary has been made clear and you still feel dissatisfaction in the interactions, it might be time to renegotiate a brand-new boundary. This means moving to a distance at which you are loving yourself enough to stay positive in your less frequent or less personal connection with the person. It is most helpful to directly explain how and why you are making the change, again leaving no need for anyone to read your mind or assume your intentions.
Spirituality is about love of self, love of others, and love of God, standing on the universal truth of oneness. That means, if we identify and love ourselves as a spiritual entity, allowing God’s love to flow through us and extending it to others, we are living a life of oneness. Boundaries keep those channels of love clear as we direct the flow to the individuals around us in our life.
So, if you are experiencing upset with someone and seem unable to keep flowing love toward them, maybe it is time to look again at the rules or the boundaries at play in the relationship. If they aren’t clear, perhaps a conversation is being called for. If they are clear, but still disrespected, maybe it is time to take a step closer to self-love.
Remember that God’s love, flowing through you, can express across any distance and any boundary and flowing more love increases our blessings all around!