On the Minister's Mind

The people who spend significant time with me may notice that I wear the same pieces of jewelry pretty consistently.  When asked about them, I am always willing to share the story behind each one. Most were gifts from people who have played major roles in my life, but some of them I purchased for myself to signify something important to me.

One of my most cherished rings is one that I had designed for myself. Many years after my father passed away, my mother gave me the diamonds that were in her wedding rings from 1959. She gave me permission to use them any way I liked, so shortly thereafter, I asked a jeweler to create a unique ring for me. I absolutely love it. The ring symbolizes my commitment to be “married to the idea” that my parents did the very best they could as they raised me. 

During this time of year, between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I tend to wear the ring often. These holidays can be quite tricky, if we have had complicated relationships with our parents over the years. My mother and I celebrate our day beautifully each time, but because my father passed before I was out of my teen years, I have found Father’s Day to be an opportunity for personal growth and healing.

The Hallmark cards for Father’s Day are completely unrelatable to me, and I know that many people feel the same way.  They tend to describe the wisdom passed down by dads who don’t resemble my personal experience of fatherhood.  They don’t acknowledge any pain, confusion, disappointment, abandonment, emotional distress, or a myriad of other challenges that could be part of any parenting relationship. 

I spent a lot of time in therapy, conversations with spiritual advisors and ministers, journaling, prayer and whatever other healing modalities I could find, to sort through my relationship with my dad. After acknowledging all the things the Hallmark cards failed to mention, I came to the wise conclusion that my ring symbolizes – he did the best he knew how to do, given the skills he had, the fears he shouldered, the unhealed wounds in his own life, and a bajillion other factors I will never know anything about.

I am “married” to that perspective, and I am committed to seeing my father through the eyes of compassion and love, forgiveness and generosity. There is no shortcut to this place of personal freedom if you want to end up here with me.  There is no spiritual magic involved, just a commitment to love and compassion as each memory and story is rewritten to acknowledge the complexity of a young adult living their own messy life while raising a little one in the middle of it all. 

I intend to pass this ring along to my child one day, as well as the cherished wisdom behind it. 

Happy Father’s Day!